No ambition, direction, purpose.
Going through the motions
Of work, play, … life.
Old interests turn-up empty.
Things that seemed important
Lay tarnished and dusty.
Wanting to die
Out of habit
Because there’s nothing else to do.
Nothing else to feel.
So, I didn’t kill myself last night. What does that mean?
It means I saw today. Today, in all of it’s inane banality; all of its empty, useless, lack of accomplishment. It means I endured another day of hurting, and misery, and worthlessness; another day of self-disgust, self-revulsion, and self-recrimination. It means nothing changed. It means I just got hurt more. It means nothing got better.
So what was the point?
Rationally, I know that mistakes happen.
Irrationally, if I make a mistake I get: “You are the worst person in the entire world. How could you possibly do/miss that? What the actual fuck is wrong with you? Could you be more utterly useless? Just stop. Just fucking stop everything and go away. The whole world will be better-off, and you goddamn know it.”
I’m in a numb phase. This is as “high” as I ever get. No soaring plateaus of “manic”, no seemingly boundless energy, just an unremitting neutrality of grey emptiness. Just passing time. Just existing because there is nothing else in the entire universe to do or to be done.
…Scalding water and disinfectant soap on 9-hours-fresh cuts…
I just don’t fit. That’s one of the major problems. I don’t fit in a suit and tie. I don’t fit in a cubical. I don’t fit in commuter traffic. I don’t fit in a 401k or a retirement plan. I don’t fit in the clubs, or in the groups, or the events. I don’t fit in your sports, or your PTA meetings, or your HOAs. I’m not made for fluorescent lights, desk chairs, or timesheets.
I can’t function in your world.
I don’t fit.
I’ve just wrestled with an hour of before-my-alarm-goes-off death-threats from my own head. It’s not even dawn yet, — fuck, it’s not even 0330 yet! — and exhaustion is an understatement.
This day is like going into a boss-fight with broken armour, a health-bar at 1%, and no health potions in your bag. …not much chance.