I’m nothing more than a collection of flesh and bones wandering about on the planet, essentially at random.
…It’s not enough.
The problem is that I almost completely lack a sense of identity. I don’t know who the fuck I am. And that means that I cast about trying to find anything to cling to. — The danger, then, is in identifying with the fuck-wad I see in the mirror everyday.
Sometimes it jumps out at me, ambushing me from behind something harmless like a street sign or a book shelf.
Other times I can see it on the horizon. I can see it marching toward me like a goddamn force of nature. And there is nowhere to run.
So I watched Hook tonight.
I suspected that it would upset me, but I watched it anyway.
I have a soft spot for the Peter Pan story. And then, with Mr. Williams’ death…
I was right.
It upset me.
…I should have listened to my instincts.
I know a healthy young couple who is going through the process of adoption right now. It’s not that they can’t be parents, it’s that they want to be YOUR parents. There are people out there who want the abandoned.
No ambition, direction, purpose.
Going through the motions
Of work, play, … life.
Old interests turn-up empty.
Things that seemed important
Lay tarnished and dusty.
Wanting to die
Out of habit
Because there’s nothing else to do.
Nothing else to feel.
So, I didn’t kill myself last night. What does that mean?
It means I saw today. Today, in all of it’s inane banality; all of its empty, useless, lack of accomplishment. It means I endured another day of hurting, and misery, and worthlessness; another day of self-disgust, self-revulsion, and self-recrimination. It means nothing changed. It means I just got hurt more. It means nothing got better.
So what was the point?
Rationally, I know that mistakes happen.
Irrationally, if I make a mistake I get: “You are the worst person in the entire world. How could you possibly do/miss that? What the actual fuck is wrong with you? Could you be more utterly useless? Just stop. Just fucking stop everything and go away. The whole world will be better-off, and you goddamn know it.”